Most people think intimacy is built through big conversations, deep disclosures, or dramatic relationship “turning points.” But research tells us something far simpler — and far more hopeful. Connection is built (or eroded) in the smallest moments of everyday life.
These moments are known as bids for connection. The term bids for connection was coined by John Gottman, after decades of studying what makes relationships succeed or fail. His research found that long-term relationship stability has less to do with conflict frequency and far more to do with how couples respond to each other’s bids for connection.
What Is a Bid for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt — big or small — to engage with another person emotionally.
It might be:
- A comment
- A question
- A touch
- A look
- A request
- A shared joke
- A sigh
- A bid for attention, reassurance, affection, or understanding
Bids are not always obvious or eloquent. In fact, they’re often subtle, indirect, and easily missed.
Examples of bids include:
- “Want to hear about what happened at work today?”
- A smile across the room
- Sending a meme
- A sigh followed by silence
- Reaching for your partner’s hand
- “Can I show you something?”
At their core, bids are saying:
“Are you there for me?”
“Do I matter to you?”
“Do you see and hear me?”
The Three Ways We Respond to Bids
Gottman identified three primary responses to bids:
- Turning Toward
You acknowledge the bid — with interest, warmth, or presence. - Turning Away
You ignore, miss, or minimally respond to the bid. - Turning Against
You respond with irritation, criticism, sarcasm, or dismissal.
Over time, these responses accumulate. They quietly shape emotional safety, trust, and intimacy. In thriving relationships, partners turn toward bids approximately 8 out of 10 times. In distressed relationships, that number drops dramatically.
Why Bids Matter More Than You Think
Bids may seem small — but their impact is anything but.
Responding positively to bids:
- Builds emotional safety
- Strengthens trust
- Increases affection and fondness
- Creates a sense of being seen and chosen
- Buffers relationships during conflict
- Makes repair easier after rupture
Ignoring or rejecting bids — even unintentionally — slowly erodes connection. Over time, people stop reaching. Not because they don’t care, but because it hurts too much to keep trying. Many relationships don’t fail because of major betrayals. They drift apart because bids go unanswered.
What Makes Bids Tricky
Bids are often:
- Poorly timed
- Indirect
- Wrapped in irritation or withdrawal
- Misinterpreted as “needy,” “annoying,” or “unimportant”
For example:
- “You’re always on your phone” may actually be a bid for attention.
- Silence may be a bid for comfort.
- Irritability may be a bid for reassurance.
When we respond only to the surface behaviour and miss the underlying bid, connection is lost. In addition, navigating bids for connection becomes even more tricky when we don’t consciously realise we are making a bid. Instead we may just feel a little hurt, ignored or irritated.
Everyday Examples of Bids for Connection
Here are some common — and often overlooked — bids that show up in relationships:
- Sharing a feeling, for example, “I’m annoyed at…”’
- Sending a funny video or meme
- A partner sighing deeply
- “What do you think about this?”
- Reaching out for a hug
- Sitting closer on the couch
- “Did you see what I sent you?”
- Making eye contact and smiling
- Asking for help with something small
- Sharing a worry or frustration
- “Do you want to come with me?”
- Showing you something on their phone
- A playful tease or inside joke
- Asking how you’re feeling
- Seeking reassurance before a decision
- Touching your arm in passing
- Asking for your opinion
- Saying “I’m tired” (often a bid for care)
- Sharing a memory
- Saying “I miss you”
None of these require grand gestures — only presence.
How to Strengthen Connection Through Bids
You don’t need to respond perfectly to every bid. You just need to respond enough.
Simple ways to turn toward bids:
- Pause and make eye contact
- Acknowledge before problem-solving
- Respond with curiosity rather than correction
- Offer warmth even when you’re busy
- Name it: “It sounds like you’re needing some reassurance right now.”
Connection isn’t built by having fewer bids for connection — it’s built by responding to them with care.
The question isn’t: “Are we talking enough?” It’s: “Are we responding to each other enough?”
Relationships are shaped in ordinary moments. In glances. In comments. In invitations we either accept or miss. When you start noticing bids — and gently turning toward them — connection doesn’t need to be forced. It grows naturally, one small moment at a time.
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