Power is present in every relationship. It shows up in how decisions are made, whose needs are prioritised, and how freely each person feels they can express themselves. It can be dynamic and shift over time, depending on context, roles, and communication patterns. Whether you’re navigating romantic love, family dynamics, or friendships, understanding how power and control operate in your relationships is essential for building trust, connection, and mutual respect.

 

What Is Power in Relationships?

Power in a relationship is simply the ability to influence decisions, outcomes, or emotions. It’s not inherently negative—in fact, healthy relationships rely on shared power. That might look like negotiating plans, sharing responsibilities, or each partner having a say in the big and small things that matter.

Power becomes unhealthy when it’s used unilaterally—when one person consistently dominates, silences, or manipulates the other. This is where control enters the picture, often disguised as “caring,” “helping,” or “leading.”

 

Healthy Power vs. Unhealthy Control

Healthy Power	Unhealthy Control
Shared decision-making	One person dictates decisions
Open communication	Withholding information or gaslighting
Boundaries are respected	Boundaries are dismissed or punished
Disagreements are met with curiosity	Disagreements are shut down or punished
Freedom to express needs	Guilt, blame, or fear used to suppress needs

 

In healthy relationships, both people feel heard, valued, and respected. They may influence each other’s choices, but neither dominates. Influence is about persuasion and collaboration; control is about compliance and fear.

 

The Control Spectrum: It’s Not Always Obvious

Control can be subtle. It might look like:

• Constantly “correcting” your version of events
• Giving you the silent treatment until you agree with them
• Micromanaging your schedule, friendships, or finances
• Guilt-tripping you into choices that serve their comfort over your wellbeing

These behaviours may not always be intended as malicious, but they erode trust and safety over time. Influence is preferable over control. The key difference between control and influence is this: Influence allows room for choice. Control removes it.

 

Power Can Be Negotiated—Control Can’t

In healthy relationships, power is negotiated, not assumed. This means:

• Checking in with each other’s preferences and limits
• Making space for disagreement
• Being willing to reflect and adjust when one person feels unseen or overwhelmed
• Recognising that being “right” isn’t the same as being respectful

Negotiating power also requires self-awareness. If you’ve grown up in an environment where power was taken, not shared, you might unconsciously repeat those patterns. Therapy can help unpack that and create new, more empowering ways of relating.

 

Reclaiming Your Power, Respecting Theirs

If you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of controlling behaviours—or noticed them in your own—you’re not alone. Many people struggle to find that middle ground between passivity and dominance. The work lies in recognising patterns, setting clear boundaries, and learning how to stand in your authentic power without overpowering someone else.

Real intimacy isn’t about who’s in control. It’s about mutual influence, freedom to be yourself, and trusting that your needs matter just as much as theirs.

 

Let’s Talk About It

Power and control can be tricky territory, especially when it’s wrapped up in love, fear, or past wounds. If this resonates with you, I invite you to bring it into our sessions. Together, we can look at how power has shown up in your relationships—and how you can move toward more balanced, healthy connection.