From the moment we’re born, our nervous system begins learning one thing above all else — how safe it is to love and be loved.

Those early lessons become the foundation of what psychologists call our attachment style — the internal map that guides how we see ourselves, how we connect, and who we’re drawn to in love.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

1. Secure attachment
   People with secure attachment grew up feeling safe, seen, and supported. They learned that love can be both dependable and freeing. They usually have a solid sense of self and can navigate closeness and independence with ease.
   
   
2. Anxious attachment
   Those with an anxious style often had inconsistent emotional care. Love sometimes felt available, and sometimes not. This creates a deep longing for closeness — and a fear of losing it. You might feel overly responsible for keeping connection alive.
   
   
3. Avoidant attachment
   Avoidantly attached people often grew up with caregivers who were emotionally distant or dismissive. They learned to rely on themselves and to downplay emotional needs. Intimacy can feel threatening, even when they crave it.
   
   
4. Disorganised (anxious-avoidant) attachment
   This style develops when a child’s source of comfort is also a source of fear. It can create an internal push-pull dynamic — wanting closeness but fearing it at the same time.
   
   
   

How Attachment Shapes Your Sense of Self

Your attachment style influences the stories you tell yourself about who you are and how love works.

• Anxious types may feel “I’m not enough” or “I have to earn love.”
  
• Avoidant types may think “I’m better off alone” or “I don’t need anyone else.”
  
• Securely attached people tend to believe “I’m worthy of love, and others can be trusted.”
  

These internal beliefs quietly shape your confidence, your boundaries, and even how you interpret your partner’s tone of voice.

How Attachment Influences Who You Choose

We’re often drawn — without realising it — to partners who feel familiar, not necessarily healthy.

Our nervous system recognises old emotional patterns, even when our mind doesn’t.

If you grew up with inconsistency, you might unconsciously seek someone who recreates that pattern, hoping for a different ending.

I know this pattern well.

My father was withdrawn and moody, while my mother always put on a smile and kept the peace. That combination shaped an anxious attachment — always trying to connect, to please, to steady the emotional tone around me.

As an adult, I first married a man who seemed very different to my father — confident and self-contained — yet he was also emotionally unavailable. My nervous system recognised the distance and worked overtime to bridge it.

It wasn’t until that marriage ended that I began creating a more secure relationship with myself. From that blossoming sense of internal safety, I was able to enter a new relationship — one where we learned together, emotional honesty, soothing, healthy boundaries, and mutual respect.

How Attachment Shows Up in Your Relationship Behaviour

• Anxious attachment might look like over-communicating, seeking reassurance, or fearing abandonment.
  
• Avoidant attachment might look like withdrawing, minimising emotion, or needing space when things get intense.
  
• Disorganised attachment can swing between both — craving closeness and pushing it away.
  
• Secure attachment allows openness, trust, and the ability to repair after conflict.
  

None of these patterns make you bad or broken — they’re simply strategies your nervous system learned to stay safe.

Intelligence Doesn’t Protect You from Attachment Patterns

Attachment style has nothing to do with your intellect or insight.

You can be emotionally intelligent, self-aware, and still find yourself reacting in ways that surprise or frustrate you. That’s because attachment patterns live in the body — they’re instinctive, not logical.

Change Is Possible

The best news is that attachment isn’t fixed.

Through therapy, self-awareness, and healthy relationships, you can move from insecure to secure attachment.

Each time you recognise your pattern, self-soothe, or communicate a need clearly, you’re rewiring your nervous system for safety.

You can learn to love without chasing, to stay present without shutting down, and to choose partners who meet you in that same balanced space.

Healing your attachment style is really about learning to trust yourself — and from that place, love becomes steady, mutual, and deeply peaceful.