Perfection in relationships: Myth or reality?

Many of us have been raised on the idea of perfect relationships—romanticised by fairy tales, idealised by the media, and perhaps even expected by those around us. A quick scroll of your socials will show countless selfies taken by smiling couples in cool places. Perfection is stage managed in a sentence or two coupled with a carefully crafted image. On my recent trip to Bali, I found myself at a waterfall where couples posed precariously on slippery rocks while throngs of people jostled for their turn. The resultant images were designed to crop out the unromantic, imperfect reality.

But what does a “perfect relationship” truly mean, and is it something that anyone can genuinely achieve? Sometimes being in a relationship is difficult. There’s just no way around it. Things we want do not happen, things we do not want happen anyway, people leave us, illness strikes… the list goes on. Our social media feeds rarely show the mundane and painful events. Often the most challenging relationships we have are with those closest to us – the very same people we are standing next to smiling for the camera.

Understanding perfection: A misleading goal

Perfection, by definition, implies flawlessness, an ideal state where everything functions without hiccups. However, relationships are not machines; they are dynamic, evolving connections between individuals, each bringing their own histories, personalities, and imperfections. Expecting perfection in such a complex interaction often sets us up for disappointment. Instead of striving for an unattainable ideal, it’s more productive to focus on the strength, growth, and resilience that can develop through a relationship’s challenges.

The importance of imperfections

Imperfections in a relationship are not only natural but also necessary. They allow for growth, learning, and deeper understanding between partners. When we encounter disagreements or misunderstandings, it’s an opportunity to communicate, resolve conflicts, and ultimately strengthen the bond. A relationship that never faces challenges may seem perfect, but it may also lack depth and resilience. When we have faced difficulties together and pulled through we can trust the relationship.

Healthy relationships vs. Perfect relationships

It’s essential to distinguish between a healthy relationship and a perfect one. A healthy relationship is characterized by mutual respect, open communication, and emotional support. It’s about being able to navigate difficulties together, celebrating successes, and sharing a common vision for the future. This type of relationship is realistic, attainable, and sustainable over time.

On the other hand, a so-called perfect relationship might involve suppressing issues to maintain an illusion of harmony, avoiding necessary but uncomfortable conversations, or adhering to unrealistic expectations. Such a relationship can be brittle, breaking under pressure because it hasn’t developed the resilience that comes from overcoming challenges.

Embracing reality: The beauty of imperfection

The idea of a perfect relationship is more of a fantasy than a reality. Real relationships are messy, filled with ups and downs, but they are also where we find genuine connection and growth. By embracing the imperfections and focusing on what truly matters—communication, empathy, and mutual support—we can create relationships that are not perfect, but deeply fulfilling and meaningful.

So, rather than asking whether a perfect relationship exists, we should be asking how we can cultivate healthy, supportive, and enduring relationships in the real world. In doing so, we might find that these “imperfect” relationships are perfect in their own way.

Invest time and effort into being better at relationships

Perhaps a more helpful way of looking at it is, you can improve the health of your relationship by doing the work together. You can get better at conflict, communication and connecting more deeply with each other – if you are prepared to invest the time and effort. Healthy relationships require work. Relationship counselling and couples therapy is an excellent way to learn things you never knew about each other and how to better function as a team. But don’t wait until your relationship is in trouble. Relationships need regular tune ups so don’t wait until the wheels fall off. Perfection may not be attainable but healthier, happier relationships are within everyone’s grasp.