Most people have heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. While Goldilocks was a rather dubious character, helping herself to what didn’t belong to her, there is something valuable in her quest for the “just right.” In her own entitled way, Goldilocks showed us the importance of persisting until we find the middle ground. The Goldilocks principle is about not too much and not too little — just right.

Just like Goldilocks, if you experiment with your emotions, you can find a way to navigate them that feels “just right.” When you learn to apply the Goldilocks principle to managing your emotions, you become more confident in your ability to handle yourself in difficult situations. You also improve the health and happiness of your close relationships. You become more grounded, predictable, and easier to be around when you are not too hot and not too cold.

Despite common misconceptions, emotions are neither good nor bad, nor right or wrong. Your emotions are signposts that indicate your beliefs and needs. Similarly, you can get a sense of another person’s beliefs and needs from the emotions they express. When used wisely, in conjunction with logic, emotions can act as data for decision-making. You can have emotional control when you act from both your head (logic) and your heart (emotions), with neither running the show exclusively.

The Dangers of Suppressing or Venting Emotions

You must find the emotional middle ground to avoid two extremes — either suppressing difficult emotions or venting them. Both are harmful. Suppressing your emotions harms your mental and physical health, while venting them harms others and can lead to guilt and remorse afterward. Ignoring your emotions doesn’t make them go away, and neither does unleashing them on those around you. Neither approach represents an emotionally controlled way to deal with emotional pain, and while both may provide temporary relief, they come with their hazards.

If you suppress or deny your difficult emotions, it is like putting a lid on a boiling pot. Outside, all may seem well, while inside, the contents are bubbling away. Over time, the pressure starts to build, and eventually, the lid blows off, with the contents spilling everywhere. Not great for a casserole, and much worse when it’s your messy emotions spilling out all over the place. Both you and your relationships suffer.

On the other hand, if you go to the other extreme and vent your emotional pain, you may also damage your relationships and self-esteem. It’s easy to feel justified in venting difficult feelings when we believe someone has hurt us or something isn’t fair, but it rarely solves the issue. People on the receiving end may comply just to keep the peace or dismiss you as overly emotional. Most issues are successfully resolved only when we can centre ourselves and express our feelings clearly and respectfully.

How to Apply the Goldilocks Method to Manage Strong Emotions

To find the middle ground in the face of strong emotion, you must identify the emotion, sit with it, and figure out if you need to address or change something.

Try this 5-step process:

1. Recognize when you have been triggered. Strong emotion is an indicator of an unmet need.
2. Remind yourself to slow down and investigate your emotion without reacting.
3. If you are about to vent, walk away and soothe yourself. If you tend to suppress, pay attention to your emotions.
4. Give yourself time to identify the unmet need fuelling the emotion.
5. If you need to address something, take time to plan how you will approach it before speaking with the person.

By applying the Goldilocks principle to your emotions, you find a balance that benefits both you and those around you. Neither suppressing nor venting emotions leads to long-term resolution or inner peace. Instead, acknowledging and managing your feelings thoughtfully allows you to address unmet needs without harming your relationships or yourself. Through practice, patience, and self-awareness, you can cultivate emotional intelligence and resilience, creating a more harmonious and fulfilling life for everyone involved. The key lies in finding the emotional “just right.”

If you’d like more information on unmet needs and their role in conflict here’s another post which may help.