How do you stop arguments escalating? Arguments are a natural part of any relationship. They arise from misunderstandings, differing perspectives, and unaddressed feelings and needs. Simply by being human we are confronted with these unavoidable conditions. Luckily there are four pillars we can practice to stop arguments escalating.

We can’t always be at our best and arguments are more likely to happen when we are stressed, tired and not feeling connected enough. When not managed properly, arguments do escalate, causing emotional harm and damaging the relationship. If arguments happen regularly, over time your connection becomes more distant and negative feelings about the relationship can override warm, connected feelings.

Sadly, what often happens with escalating arguments is you both start walking on eggshells around each other. A part of you activates to look for problems – a bit like a meerkat scanning the environment. You become ready to argue. Your sympathetic nervous systems become sensitive and respond as if you are a threat to each other. This isn’t necessarily true, it’s just the way your sympathetic nervous system tries to protect you. But because you are protected, it’s almost impossible to soothe each other and reconnect.

The problem with sympathetic nervous system activation is if you don’t recognise it and soothe it, arguments will naturally escalate. Your sympathetic nervous system only has three options – fight, flee or freeze. It’s designed for your survival and the resulting anxiety will lead to all sorts of internal dialogue and stories. These stories will often cast the other person as the villain in the argument who is trying to hurt you and doesn’t care about you. It becomes a battle to protect yourself and win.

In fact, the most important thing you can do to stop an argument (or reduce escalation) is to recognise the signs of escalation and take a timeout to manage your own emotions. The mistake we often make is trying to “talk sense” to the other person while we are both too upset to listen. You will get closer to resolution when you are in control of your emotions. Stepping away from an argument can feel counterintuitive and requires self-restraint and a clear intention to protect and repair the relationship, rather than push your point.

There are four pillars to stop arguments from escalating and maintain a healthy, happy relationship. These pillars must be consistently practiced to contribute to healthy relationships.

The Four Pillars to Stop Arguments Escalating

 

1. Recognize the Signs of Escalation

Understanding the early signs of an escalating argument is crucial. Elevated voices, rapid speech, interrupting each other, and using accusatory language are all red flags. When you notice these signs, it’s time to take a step back and assess the situation. The zone of control you have in an argument is your own responses. Monitor your internal sensations and when you recognise your emotions are escalating (or disconnecting), concentrate on settling yourself.

 

2. Acknowledge Emotions

Emotions play a significant role in arguments. Acknowledge the feelings of both yourself and the other person. Saying something like, “I can see that this is really important to you,” validates their emotions and can help de-escalate the situation. It is also important to acknowledge emotions when you have decided that you need to take a timeout.

 

3. Take a Timeout to soothe your nervous system

Although often counterintuitive, sometimes the best way to resolve an argument is to take a break. Stepping away allows both parties to cool down and collect their thoughts. When emotions are running high, it’s difficult to think clearly and communicate effectively. Let the other person know that you want to resolve the issue and want to be calm enough to be able to listen to them. Agree on a specific time to revisit the conversation after a brief period.

 

4. Seek to understand each other rather than win

One of the primary reasons arguments escalate is because one or both parties feel unheard. In arguments we can become fixated on trying to get our own point across and fail to acknowledge the other person’s view with kindness. Practice active listening by giving your full attention to the other person. Seek to understand, and soften your interactions, rather than win. When there is mutual understanding you both win. Nod, make eye contact with as much warmth as you can, and reflect back what they’re saying to ensure you have understood. This not only shows respect but also helps in diffusing tension.

Arguments don’t have to be destructive. By recognizing the signs of escalation, acknowledging emotions, taking timeout and seeking to understand, you can prevent arguments from spiralling out of control. Remember, the goal is not to win the argument but to understand each other better and strengthen your relationship. Embrace these strategies and watch as your conversations become more productive and less confrontational.

Reflect on your own experiences and consider which strategies might work best for you. Have you tried taking a timeout or acknowledging emotions? What was the outcome? Share your thoughts and continue your journey toward better communication and healthier relationships.