Change is something we all strive for at some point—whether it’s breaking a bad habit, starting a new routine, or improving how we interact in our relationships. Yet, despite our best intentions, change often feels difficult and elusive. Why is it so hard? The answer lies in a surprising truth: real change doesn’t happen through force or relentless effort but through the paradoxical act of acceptance.

 

The Paradoxical Theory of Change

Developed by Gestalt therapist Arnold Beisser, the paradoxical theory of change suggests that true change occurs not by striving to be different but by fully embracing who and where we are right now. In other words, the more we resist or reject our current state, the harder it is to move forward.
This idea might seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t change about striving for better? But let’s unpack why trying to escape ourselves often backfires.

 

Why Change Feels So Hard

1. We get stuck in resistance
When we dislike a part of ourselves—whether it’s our procrastination, fear, or anger—we tend to fight against it. But resistance consumes energy, creating an internal tug-of-war. Instead of moving forward, we end up stuck in a loop, exhausted and frustrated.

2. We chase an idealised version of ourselves
We often imagine change as a leap toward a “better” self—someone thinner, happier, more disciplined. But this idealised version can feel so far away that it becomes overwhelming and disheartening. We end up just feeling bad about ourselves. By focusing on who we’re “supposed to be,” we miss the opportunity to work with who we actually are in the present moment.

3. We ignore our innate wisdom
Each of our behaviours, no matter how unhelpful they may seem, serves a purpose. For example, not addressing that issue in your relationship might be protecting you from a fear of abandonment. Until we acknowledge and understand the role these habits play, we can’t effectively address them.

 

The Power of Acceptance

Here’s the paradox: when we stop trying to “fix” ourselves and instead accept our current reality, we create the conditions for genuine transformation. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or resigning to our circumstances; it means acknowledging where we are without judgment.

When we say, “This is where I’m at, and I can approach myself with compassion,” we start to approach ourselves with curiosity instead of criticism. And in doing so, we create a sense of spaciousness and opportunity for things to shift.

 

How to Embrace the Paradox of Change

1. Start with radical honesty
Take an honest look at your current state. What are you feeling? What are your habits? Avoid sugarcoating or judging yourself. Instead, treat this self-reflection as a fact-finding mission. So much suffering comes from pretending things are other than they are.

2. Identify the “Why” behind your behaviours
Ask yourself: What purpose does this behaviour serve? For example, if you find yourself avoiding exercise, could it be because you’re afraid of failing or feeling judged? Understanding the “why” creates space for self-compassion.

3. Practice self-compassion
Speak to yourself as you would to a friend. Instead of berating yourself for your perceived flaws, acknowledge your struggles and remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect. We are all imperfect and have imperfect lives – that is the nature of being human.

4. Focus on small steps
Instead of setting lofty goals that are difficult to achieve, ask yourself: What’s one small thing I can do today to align with my values? Small actions rooted in self-awareness lead to sustainable change.

5. Be patient with the process
Change isn’t a straight line. It’s a winding path of growth, setbacks, and learning. By accepting this reality, you free yourself from the pressure to have it all figured out immediately.

 

Embracing the Paradox

The paradoxical theory of change invites us to stop fighting against ourselves and start leaning into who we already are. It’s a reminder that transformation doesn’t come from a place of self-rejection but from self-acceptance.

So, the next time you find yourself struggling to change, pause. Instead of asking, “How can I fix this?” ask, “What do I need to accept right now?” Paradoxically, that simple act of acceptance might be the most transformative step you can take.